The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
