Three words: puerto rican gang bang
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
