so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
