If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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