I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
