I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
