I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
