her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
