her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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