You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
