It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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