why didn't you poke me back
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
