Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
