my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
