he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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