Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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