rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
