Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
