It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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