Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
