Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
