I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
