Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
