Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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