I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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