I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
