i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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