I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
