I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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