Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You ruined the universe
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
