Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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