It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
