____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
