The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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