I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
