I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
