I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
