you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
