my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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