I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
