just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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