dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
