WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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