I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Apparently you make a good broom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
