Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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