moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
