So drunk its hurt
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
