I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just want nice things and good sex
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
