I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
