There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
