my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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